I don’t know if you ever could, but I know you can’t drink alcohol at the Magic Kingdom. You can still booze it up at Epcot, Animal Kingdom, and Hollywood Studios for those of you who can’t have a good time without alcohol. You can still smoke cigarettes of electronic and leaf variety in designated areas, but for how long?
There is a shortcut to storybook circus beside space mountain. The path is lined with outcast smokers who are escaping frantic park goers by calming themselves with a blast of hotboxed nicotine. Just be mindful if you take your kids down this cancer path. They will get about a months worth of 2nd and 3rd hand smoke and may lead to them becoming smokers.
Can you guess which ride? No it’s not the auto flush toilet. Even those have a wait time. On a side note, you should probably hand out fast passes to the toilet bowl near Pecos Bill’s after you eaten two pounds of beef nachos.
It’s tough to find zero wait times, but it’s possible.
Sometimes you need a fastpass for the fastpass kiosk so you can get more fastpasses. That is probably the number one phrase I hear at Disney, “I’m so glad we got a fastpass”. Really? who doesn’t want a fastpass? Why would anyone say, “I’m so glad I get to wait in this 90 minute line for a 1 minute and 30 second ride. Of course you can use the app or book ahead of time. However, it’s not beneficial unless you are staying at WDW resort and can get the FP+ for the Mine Train at 8pm because you still don’t have the inside track. I recently visited the Magic Kindom and I felt like I needed to get a fastpass for the trashcans, water fountains, toilet, and even to exit the park.
Fastpass helps and it’s far from perfect, but what you really need for maximum Disney enjoyment is to become super rich and take one of those guided tours where they shuffle you in and out of rides and give you all access to the underbelly of Disney. It might be easier to fake a horrible disease, but I’m sure Disney will vet you thoroughly and you can get your super cool fastpass straight to hell.
No need for a fastpass if you want to watch concrete set at the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World. I’ll come back in seven years to check on it
Walt Disney telling you to leave!
When a hurricane is there
The park will be closed and you won’t be able to get through the gates, well you probably could, but you would go to jail.
When it’s hot
You will sweat profusely and you will get dehydrated if you don’t buy the $4 bottles of water. Don’t drink the soda and beer or you will dehydrate faster. And be broker faster
When there are numerous amount of people there
Holiday’s and weekends are the worst, and holiday weekends are a no-brainier to stay away.
When you just bought new shoes
That is, unless you like blisters on your feet. Never take a brand new pair of shoes into the park. Don’t buy a brand new pair of waterproof timberland boots for your July trip. You will be filled with suffering.
When a new ride is open
Well, it might be a good time to visit other areas of the parks
When a new area is open
I can’t imagine what masses of humanity will be drawn to the parks once Toy Story Land and Star Wars Galaxies Edge are open.
Remember, there is no slow season no matter what anyone tells you. If you are going to go, just do it and enjoy your time. If someone says they got on all the rides with no waiting they are lying, and you shouldn’t be friends with liars.
So Disney has decided to remove the “human trafficking” scene in the popular Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland and Magic Kingdom. Yes, the pirates ride. Just look up what real pirates pirates have done in the past. So if you really think about it, the whole ride should be shut down. This scene is about to be removed but, war mongering, torture, arson, thievery, drunkenness, domestic violence towards men scenes will stay.
Please just leave the rides alone.
When I say coolest rides, I mean rides that you can sit down and cool off. These are not necessarily fun rides, but rides when you need a break from the heat and crowds and want to relax a bit. Here are my go-to rides that have relatively low wait to ride ratios.
Carousel of Progress
Large air conditioned theater, low lights and a nice history lesson. I have noticed that people will get up in the middle of ride and exit, which will prompt the PA announcer to bellow out hateful instructions to park their can in the seat. But this is my go to ride on when I’m exhausted, it’s the most comfortable.
Again, cold and dark, but a bit funky smelling. One portion of the ride even reclines so that you can stretch out a bit. Very relaxing until that hitchhiker at the end removes your noggin.
It’s air conditioned the old fashioned way, wind! Pretty comfortable and they will let you stay on if it’s not to busy. Sit back, put your feet up and don’t forget to WOOO! when you ride past Space Mountain.
Hall of Presidents
Another great show with some history, ignore the massive revisionist history. Just enjoy the show and the people booing Barack Obama and Donald Trump robots.
Disney World Railroad
Best if you ride in the evening and get some more of that wind air conditioning. You can ride as long as you like and it makes a nice alternative from walking from Frontier Land to Main Street at the end of the day.