Guide to flying first class

I’ve actually only flown first class once in my life. I was booking a client trip and saw that one of the legs was cheaper if I booked first class. I saved the client $200 on airfare by doing so. However, when my expense report was turned in to the client it was rejected because I didn’t book an economy flight. Common sense < Business sense.

However here are a few tips if you do get to fly first class.

  • Stand in the sky priority lane upon arrival at the gate, this lets other know you are first class
  • As you pass the attendant get that Jack and Coke drink order started.
  • Here you have a few options
    1. Pretend to be in such a relaxed mode that you can barely keep your eyes open.
    2. Crack open the laptop and bang away at those keys as to show how important and busy you are.
    3. Chug that first Jack and Coke and order another
    4. Be the guy that stares at everyone who walks buy. Don’t forget to smirk
  • Don’t forget to cross your legs so that you can show the economy passengers how much seat and leg room you have
  • Sit in economy by mistake. When someone comes along and says you have their seat, show them your ticket and say “Oh yeah, I’m in first class” Don’t forget your 3rd glass of Jack and Coke that you brought with you.

That one person in first class…

This guy is making eye contact with every passenger so that he can give you a smirk that he’s in first class and you are not. While other people are pretending to work, sleep, or downing their 3rd jack and coke, this guy is soaking up the envy like a shamwow in cat urine. 

I usually like to save my best fart when I’m walking through first class just for this fella. This is another good reason first class should be loaded last.

What are pet parents?

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First of all, pets are not children, they are animals. Yes, children are technically animals but they are a higher class and they eventually can clean up their own feces. Dogs can not unless you consider eating feces cleaning up. Thankfully, my children have never ate their own poop, that I know of.

More and more I’m seeing dogs in strollers and in baby carriers at airports. People are using “service dogs” for all sorts of reasons. There are people who actually need service dogs and I understand that. But some people are severely allergic to dogs. If you are sitting near a dog, you are going to have a bad flight, especially if the dog takes a dump in the seat.

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Bumper stickers are taking shots at parents by saying that their dog is smarter than your honor student. Nonsense, let’s see your dog use a pencil and write their name or enter a spelling bee. Women proudly display “Dog Mom” on their cars, but we already have another name for that and it probably fits the bill.

Honestly, I wish raising kids was as easy as having a pet, but it’s not near as rewarding. Kids are awesome and not just because they don’t eat their own feces.

Disney shutting down Pirates of the Caribbean “Auction”

So Disney has decided to remove the “human trafficking” scene in the popular Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland and Magic Kingdom. Yes, the pirates ride. Just look up what real pirates pirates have done in the past. So if you really think about it, the whole ride should be shut down. This scene is about to be removed but, war mongering, torture, arson, thievery, drunkenness, domestic violence towards men scenes will stay.

Please just leave the rides alone.

Putting faith in your pilot

I noticed an airline pilot sitting down to dinner at the airport. He was opening up a bag of McDonald’s food. My initial reaction was concern because it makes me think that this person doesn’t make good decisions. 

However, a salad emerged from the brown sack. I was then relieved for a moment because now my thought was maybe he’s not that bad of a decision maker after all. But then again, who goes to McDonald’s for a salad when there are so many other healthy options. 

Then it occurred to me that the pilot is budget savvy. Then I thought, why am I staring at this pilot while he’s eats his salad.

Coolest rides at Disney’s Magic Kingdom

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When I say coolest rides, I mean rides that you can sit down and cool off. These are not necessarily fun rides, but rides when you need a  break from the heat and crowds and want to relax a bit. Here are my go-to rides that have relatively low wait to ride ratios.

Carousel of Progress

Large air conditioned theater, low lights and a nice history lesson. I have noticed that people will get up in the middle of ride and exit, which will prompt the PA announcer to bellow out hateful instructions to park their can in the seat. But this is my go to ride on when I’m exhausted, it’s the most comfortable.

Haunted Mansion

Again, cold and dark, but a bit funky smelling. One portion of the ride even reclines so that you can stretch out a bit. Very relaxing until that hitchhiker at the end removes your noggin.

People Mover

It’s air conditioned the old fashioned way, wind! Pretty comfortable and they will let you stay on if it’s not to busy. Sit back, put your feet up and don’t forget to WOOO! when you ride past Space Mountain.

Hall of Presidents

Another great show with some history, ignore the massive revisionist history. Just enjoy the show and the people booing Barack Obama and Donald Trump robots.

Disney World Railroad

Best if you ride in the evening and get some more of that wind air conditioning. You can ride as long as you like and it makes a nice alternative from walking from Frontier Land to Main Street at the end of the day.