There is no maybe…

When someone invites you to an event, there shouldn’t be an option for maybe. Treat all maybes as a no. If they show up without a confirmation, make it difficult for them to find a seat or gain access to food. If they complain simply say, “I saved all the prime positions and delectable foods for people who told me yes”. The maybe is only there so that if something better comes up they can leave their options open. Eventually the person will wonder why they don’t get invited to things anymore.

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Setting up inside jokes…

laughingSince the weekend is here and holiday parties are forthcoming, it’s time to start learning how to behave a social gatherings. One of the most important and annoying things for other guests are inside jokes. They don’t have to be complicated, here’s how to get started.

Get to the party early

You need to establish an inside joke quickly before the other guests arrive, even if it’s five minutes before. Make a joke about opening jars of french onion dip. Then that night whenever your host says something about France, Onions, or Dip, bellow with laughter and nudge the host. If everyone is looking at you with complete dumbfoundedness, simply say. “Oh, you had to be there.”

Keep referring the inside joke

Even if people don’t care, keep bringing up the same joke and laugh even though it’s not that funny anymore. Make it awkward for everyone else so they feel totally excluded and like they don’t have any friends in the room. Don’t forget to put on your best smug face as you work the room.

Don’t ever explain the inside joke

It ceases to become an inside joke if you tell someone else. This nugget of knowledge is just for you and your host. The other guests don’t deserve an explanation. They will never have the bond that you and your best friend host have. Take this joke to your deathbed and rattle it off one last time before you pass on to the afterlife. It’s good to be there!

 

 

Say my name, Say my name

Dale Carnie once said "Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language". Unless that name is said over and over in a debate or argument. For instance you are trying to defend your belief or position on a topic and the person keeps interrupting you and saying your name. "But Bob, you know…." and "Bob, you don't realize." Or the best of all when they chain your name together. "Bob, Bob, Bob…"

I don't know if that bothers anyone else, but I stop them and ask them why they keep saying my name. I say, "I know my own name, did you forget who you are talking to and you have to keep reminding yourself?" Stop being so condescending.

How to say No!

There is something wrong with “my” generation x. They don’t know how to say no. They really don’t know how to say yes either. Not sure what happened, but there is this overwhelming sense of not disappointing someone. I have no trouble saying no, in fact, it’s an automatic response for me. Mostly because I don’t want to do anything.

However, I’d rather someone just tell me no rather than say: “Let me get back to you”, or “Let me think about it.” I tend to treat that as a no and do not ask again. Whatever it is. My generation also suffers from let me see if something better comes along before I commit to anything.

On being a contrarian…

Do you know someone who is always on the opposite side of your opinion. I’m not talking about your spouse, it’s supposed to be that way. But someone who always starts out their response with “Well, actually…”

Star Wars vs Star Trek, DC vs Marvel, Republican vs Democrat vs some weird 3rd party, Christian vs Pagan (Don’t even get me started on the Religious sub cultures, that’s and issue that loses more friendships than any)

Some people just like to hear your opinion first so they can play “devil’s advocate” and just get on your nerves. It’s tough to be friends with people like this. How do you deal with it? Well, you can always ask a bunch of follow up questions if they are the type of person that makes statements. The best way is just to keep quiet and not share your opinions. Someone can’t shoot you down if you don’t give them any ammo. Read twitter posts, Facebook status and just grin and move on. But you can’t can you? You must be right all the time, so unleash your best with no mercy and enjoy no friendships. I should delete this blog…

 

How does the average person fix climate change?

What are we supposed to do now that the majority of the developed world now has access to clean water and clean air because of fossil fuels? Fossil fuels are cheap, plentiful and because of technology we’ve made them clean than ever. Still people are freaking out about climate change aka “Global Warming”. Here’s what to do.

Stop using your AC/Heat

Want to stop using fossil fuels? Then don’t heat or cool your house. Each year the planet gets hotter because people are using air conditioning or heating their house because they get cold.

Stop showering

Your sweat will be your shower from not using your HVAC system. Since we have greater access to clean and drinkable water because of fossil fuels, we should now use less.

Stop flushing your toilet

Let it flush automatically buy the natural volume of your excrement. Again forget clean water, treat your house like a porta potty.

Don’t buy groceries

No groceries equals no trash and no landfills, grow all your own food, but only vegetables.

Ride your bike everywhere

Including your trek across America with your family of four. Remember having more than two children effects climate change.

It seems to me that Hollywood wants to turn all of their viewers into a third world country because of climate change. Remember, movies became popular because they were the first to get air conditioning. Maybe if we stop cooling our theaters then our celebrity elite will wake up.

New Facebook Game

Here’s a new Facebook game to try.

  1. Look at your friends list
  2. See who has the most friends
  3. Unfriend that “friend”
  4. See how long it takes for them to send you a friend request
  5. Repeat every week until you have no friends

Chances are, if someone has 3000+ friends they won’t notice you’ve unfriended them until they see you pop up on the “Find New Friends” or “People you may know” feature. Hopefully Facebook has it in their algorithms that you don’t surface again.

Have fun, enjoy and tell a “friend”!