The Irritants Guide to Pumpkin Carving.


Set your expectations so high


So that when it’s not perfect you ram your fist into it.


The irritants guide to July 4th

  • Remind people that the the birth of America is really July 2nd.
  • Buy fireworks 5 days in advance and buy enough to last until July 9th.
  • Begin your explosives demonstration on June 30th.
  • Drink lots of beer
  • Eat many forms of meat
  • Lose an appendage because you are too filled with meat to move away from the lit fireworks and too drunk to know that you are bleeding.
  • Put up a PTSD sign in your yard so that you can ruin the fun for your neighbors who bought a week supply of fireworks.
  • Also remind people that it wasn’t legit until Aug 2nd, thus extending your firework shooting period.

But seriously, if you have a problem with July 4th, just hole up in your house shut all the curtains and sit in a dark room watching movies with noise canceling headphones like I do. Happy Holidays!

Sobriety Checkpoint Fun


Every holiday, state troopers begin setting up sobriety checkpoints to decrease the traffic flow from sloth-like to gridlock. Here is what you are supposed to do. Give the officer your license and answer their questions. Here is what you don’t do. Trust me.

  • Have a beer scented air freshener
  • Ask if there are any escaped convicts on the loose
  • Don’t take their picture
  • Don’t talk about their gun
  • Don’t say things like “You need a license to drive?”


Hollow Chocolate Easter Bunnies…

How disappointed were you when you dug into your Easter basket on Resurrection Day and noticed that your chocolate Easter bunny was hollow and had those tooth breaking candy eyes?

Jesus gave us new hope for our eternal state so we wouldn’t feel hollow inside unlike our chocolate Easter bunnies! I mean Jesus died so that we could have solid chocolate! Well, that and eternal life, if you believe in that worldview.

Worst April Fools Jokes…

  1. Telling your husband/boyfriend you’re pregnant
    • or had a miscarriage if you are pregnant
    • or had an abortion
  2. Telling your spouse you got fired from your job
    • or told them you quit
  3. Telling your spouse you want a divorce
    • or asking them to marry you especially if you have commitment issues already
  4. Telling someone in your family died (like a child)
  5. Say the most horrible things that you can think about a person and then following it with “April fools”.

Happy everyone pretend they’re Irish Day!

This is pretty good soap though!

If you really think about it, St Patrick’s Day is the one of those holidays that has taken a turn for the worse. Most people complain that Christians stole their pagan holidays. But in this case, Pagans have overrun a Christian holiday. While it was once a celebration of St. Patrick converting people to Christianity in Ireland it has devolved into a wannabe leprechaun drunken depravity fest with torrents of green beer. Irish people should be offended. But they aren’t, because they don’t care.