- Remind people that the the birth of America is really July 2nd.
- Buy fireworks 5 days in advance and buy enough to last until July 9th.
- Begin your explosives demonstration on June 30th.
- Drink lots of beer
- Eat many forms of meat
- Lose an appendage because you are too filled with meat to move away from the lit fireworks and too drunk to know that you are bleeding.
- Put up a PTSD sign in your yard so that you can ruin the fun for your neighbors who bought a week supply of fireworks.
- Also remind people that it wasn’t legit until Aug 2nd, thus extending your firework shooting period.
But seriously, if you have a problem with July 4th, just hole up in your house shut all the curtains and sit in a dark room watching movies with noise canceling headphones like I do. Happy Holidays!
Every holiday, state troopers begin setting up sobriety checkpoints to decrease the traffic flow from sloth-like to gridlock. Here is what you are supposed to do. Give the officer your license and answer their questions. Here is what you don’t do. Trust me.
- Have a beer scented air freshener
- Ask if there are any escaped convicts on the loose
- Don’t take their picture
- Don’t talk about their gun
- Don’t say things like “You need a license to drive?”
Jesus gave us new hope for our eternal state so we wouldn’t feel hollow inside unlike our chocolate Easter bunnies! I mean Jesus died so that we could have solid chocolate! Well, that and eternal life, if you believe in that worldview.
- Telling your husband/boyfriend you’re pregnant
- or had a miscarriage if you are pregnant
- or had an abortion
- Telling your spouse you got fired from your job
- or told them you quit
- Telling your spouse you want a divorce
- or asking them to marry you especially if you have commitment issues already
- Telling someone in your family died (like a child)
- Say the most horrible things that you can think about a person and then following it with “April fools”.
If you really think about it, St Patrick’s Day is the one of those holidays that has taken a turn for the worse. Most people complain that Christians stole their pagan holidays. But in this case, Pagans have overrun a Christian holiday. While it was once a celebration of St. Patrick converting people to Christianity in Ireland it has devolved into a wannabe leprechaun drunken depravity fest with torrents of green beer. Irish people should be offended. But they aren’t, because they don’t care.