Every Hallmark Christmas movie plot line

Darth Maul Fighting off all Hallmark Emotions

  • Balsam Hill projectile vomits Christmas decorations all over main street, characters homes and office locations.
  • Love interest characters meet each other by chance, a small spark flies
  • There is some sort of problem to solve
  • Characters grow closer together and have many awkward almost kiss moments ruined by kid, or some other annoying character.
  • There is some huge misunderstanding because one character doesn’t have the full context of the situation because they overheard a piece of a phone call and takes it in the worst way possible without any followup questions.
  • Character leaves town
  • Character gets the rest of the information
  • Character shows up a the precise moment when things seem the most bleak.
  • They kiss with 2 minutes left in the movie
  • Credits roll

*No, I don’t watch Hallmark Christmas Movies.


Favorite Christmas Movies


Elf – There is a debate if Will Ferrel is funny or not. I think he’s probably the funniest in this movie and peaked here.

Christmas Vacation – Been watching this every year since 1990. I didn’t see it the first year it was out because all my friends went to the movies and didn’t bother inviting me. I am no longer friends with that “ring leader” for a number of reasons.

Die Hard – Saw this when I was a kid, still watch it every year. Opening gifts and shouting “Yippee Ki Yay MF’er” makes for an interesting morning.

Lethal Weapon – Another Holiday favorite, who doesn’t enjoy Gary Busey’s wrist roasting on an open fire.

Iron Man 3 – I was pumped when I saw Holiday trees in this movie. Also lots of roasting on open fire references as well and the secret Santa for the barn lab at the end (spoiler)

Lord of the Rings, Hobbit, Harry Potter – While not technically Christmas movies they did come out at Christmas time so it counts. Same goes for Star Wars the Force Awakens.

What are some of your favorite Holiday movies?


Teaching your kids about Santa

Today marks St Nicholas Day. There is no better time to teach your children about who Santa really was. We decided before we procreated that we would not pretend that someone came into our house and left presents for our children. It’s not fair to them or us because why does some stranger get credit for all the good stuff? Plus, we don’t have a chimney, so how does he get in? Well, I guess it’s easier nowadays since Amazon has access to your house and can open your door and leave packages. Maybe Amazon is the new Santa?

How did I learn that Santa wasn’t real? Well, during my 2nd grade class we all were talking about Christmas and I mentioned that Santa was bringing me some Star Wars toys. The entire class erupted in laughter and began shaming me about believing in fairy tales. You know, kids are mean and cruel, much like adults when you talk about Jesus today. When I confronted my mother, she unvieled the falsehood of father Christmas. This created a seasonal schism that altered my holiday happiness for years to come. I don’t want that for my offspring. I want them to build lasting Christmas memories without any trauma. Well, other than what my parenting already provides.

There is a drawback about not playing along with the whole Santa song and dance. You have to be cautious that your children don’t ruin Christmas for their friends. But the main reason we teach the real Santa, is we want them to know the real Jesus. We want them to focus on the greatest gift to this world and not on trinkets that will gather rust. We didn’t want them to one day say. “If Santa isn’t real, then is God real?”

Abused Christmas Songs

Which song do you get tired of first? Is it Jingle Bells, Frosty the Snowman, Winter Wonderland, Rudy the Red Nosed Reindeer? Technically, these aren’t really Christmas songs. They are more of winter songs which don’t have any tethering to Christ. Watch any Christmas movie and you will probably hear 700 different versions of Jingle Bells and by the end of the week after Thanksgiving you are ready to quit Christmas music.

I prefer the Christmas “hymns”, songs about the savior which is the whole reason for the season. There’s very few new songs and they contain terrible theology or Americanized to the point they shouldn’t even be canonized into Christmas.

Advent Calendar Arrival Times

If you take baby Jesus out of the day 24 box, what do you do about the wise men? They don’t show up until Jesus was a toddler. Do you just keep the calendar out all year? I try to set my Advent Calendar up as follows.

  1. Stars first since they were created long before people
  2. Shepards and Animals since they own the joint
  3. Innkeeper, even though there were no Hilton Garden Inn’s back then.
  4. Joseph, since he was supposed to find a place
  5. Mary, since she has the baby
  6. Jesus, since he is the whole purpose of the Advent
  7. Wise men, since it took several months or maybe years to get there.

Ask before your wish a happy holiday…

For some reason I started asking people first if they celebrate a holiday before I give them warm wishes. Or I’ll say something like. “Well, if you celebrate Thanksgiving, then have a happy one. Otherwise, enjoy doing whatever you do with the days we mark as a national holiday”. I don’t assume everyone celebrates Thanksgiving or Christmas, to do so would be oppressive right?

It also gives me an out because if I wish someone a specified happy holiday then they have the chance to say. “Oh, I don’t celebrate that particular holiday because it’s racist or hateful towards a certain demographic”. I don’t want to hear any of that garbage. I guess I will just keep my warm wishes to myself until someone tries to offend me with their merry making.

Stop calling it Turkey Day


Deep Fried Turkey

Since everyone is offended these days and it’s disrespectful to the turkey. Turkey’s have it rough, they are big, fat, and serve no other purpose than to feed large families a couple times a year.

I’m not a fan of turkey. I’ve been pushing barbecue for Thanksgiving and this year I’m serving a beef brisket. I’m not going to serve it until everyone has a heaping plate of turkey meat. Once we all sit down and I have brisket all up on my plate people will ask, where was that? I will be like, “Ah, thought you all wanted turkey, and condescended at the idea of barbecue.”