Every Hallmark Christmas movie plot line

Darth Maul Fighting off all Hallmark Emotions

  • Balsam Hill projectile vomits Christmas decorations all over main street, characters homes and office locations.
  • Love interest characters meet each other by chance, a small spark flies
  • There is some sort of problem to solve
  • Characters grow closer together and have many awkward almost kiss moments ruined by kid, or some other annoying character.
  • There is some huge misunderstanding because one character doesn’t have the full context of the situation because they overheard a piece of a phone call and takes it in the worst way possible without any followup questions.
  • Character leaves town
  • Character gets the rest of the information
  • Character shows up a the precise moment when things seem the most bleak.
  • They kiss with 2 minutes left in the movie
  • Credits roll

*No, I don’t watch Hallmark Christmas Movies.

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Biscuit bag fail

I don’t know if there is some insider secret but my success rate with opening biscuit bags is about 1%. It’s simple right? Tear here and then pull apart the zip lock seal. Almost never happens for me. I tear, I rip, and I split. You might ask, why am I eating frozen biscuits and not farm to table ones? I eat frozen biscuits because I don’t eat them very often and they are easy. I can’t tell the difference in a fresh and a frozen biscuit and I don’t live near a Tudors so it’s not that big of a deal to me. I just hope they invent some better biscuit bag technology. Maybe I’m just too impatient when opening the bag?

Avoiding intersections

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We know everyone is in a hurry, but just because you think you are special and more important than everyone else doesn’t mean you get to avoid intersections in traffic. We have numerous poorly designed shopping centers my my town with bottlenecks in and out. Luckily we have restaurant parking lots and gas stations next to these busy intersections. This way you can pretend to obtain a fish sandwich from Hardees or a Mountain Dew Pitch Black from the Circle K. However, you can then change your mind at the last minute and avoid a busy intersection.

Favorite Christmas Movies

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Elf – There is a debate if Will Ferrel is funny or not. I think he’s probably the funniest in this movie and peaked here.

Christmas Vacation – Been watching this every year since 1990. I didn’t see it the first year it was out because all my friends went to the movies and didn’t bother inviting me. I am no longer friends with that “ring leader” for a number of reasons.

Die Hard – Saw this when I was a kid, still watch it every year. Opening gifts and shouting “Yippee Ki Yay MF’er” makes for an interesting morning.

Lethal Weapon – Another Holiday favorite, who doesn’t enjoy Gary Busey’s wrist roasting on an open fire.

Iron Man 3 – I was pumped when I saw Holiday trees in this movie. Also lots of roasting on open fire references as well and the secret Santa for the barn lab at the end (spoiler)

Lord of the Rings, Hobbit, Harry Potter – While not technically Christmas movies they did come out at Christmas time so it counts. Same goes for Star Wars the Force Awakens.

What are some of your favorite Holiday movies?

 

If Disney Ran the United States

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Mr. Walt and his running mate for 2020

Can you imagineer the possibilities if Disney ran the country? There would be pros and cons of course. I guess it really depends on if you are a fan of Disney.

Healthcare

Healthcare costs would skyrocket, but you could at least reserve a fast pass for the emergency room. How awesome would it be to immediately hop on a paper covered table to be examined while others have been waiting for 90 minutes for a 3 minute diagnosis. All your medicine would cost four times as much. However,  you can pay a premium if you want to guzzle your Robitussin from a souvenir cup.

Immigration

It would be too expensive to enter the United States and you would have so many people complaining “I wish I could afford to go to the United States”. Maybe there would be blackout dates where you couldn’t stay in the country. The truth is, every Main street USA would be packed to capacity, but at it least it would smell good with Disney bakery exhaust.

Taxes

There would be no taxes whatsoever because there would be limited choices of high quality items that are out of everyone’s price range.

Disney National Parks Service

Since the entire country would essentially be Disney Country, Walt Disney World and Disneyland would essentially just be like any other national park. All the other National Parks would get an upgrade as well. Can you imagine a giant slide into the Grand Canyon or the Haunted Mammoth Cave.

Transportation and Infrastructure

If you’ve ridden Spaceship Earth at Epcot, you would see this future vision of automation fast tracked. Peoplemovers would drop you off at work after you’ve been dressed by a robot. We would have the safety on par with Tomorrowland Speedway because all our cars would be on rails so we couldn’t knock each other into the ditch. However all of America’s roadways would be exaclty like Orlando traffic to encourage you to take those Peoplemovers.

Teaching your kids about Santa

Today marks St Nicholas Day. There is no better time to teach your children about who Santa really was. We decided before we procreated that we would not pretend that someone came into our house and left presents for our children. It’s not fair to them or us because why does some stranger get credit for all the good stuff? Plus, we don’t have a chimney, so how does he get in? Well, I guess it’s easier nowadays since Amazon has access to your house and can open your door and leave packages. Maybe Amazon is the new Santa?

How did I learn that Santa wasn’t real? Well, during my 2nd grade class we all were talking about Christmas and I mentioned that Santa was bringing me some Star Wars toys. The entire class erupted in laughter and began shaming me about believing in fairy tales. You know, kids are mean and cruel, much like adults when you talk about Jesus today. When I confronted my mother, she unvieled the falsehood of father Christmas. This created a seasonal schism that altered my holiday happiness for years to come. I don’t want that for my offspring. I want them to build lasting Christmas memories without any trauma. Well, other than what my parenting already provides.

There is a drawback about not playing along with the whole Santa song and dance. You have to be cautious that your children don’t ruin Christmas for their friends. But the main reason we teach the real Santa, is we want them to know the real Jesus. We want them to focus on the greatest gift to this world and not on trinkets that will gather rust. We didn’t want them to one day say. “If Santa isn’t real, then is God real?”

Making your own lane


Stuck in traffic? Don’t want to wait patiently like everyone else? Make your own lane out of the shoulder of the road. Whenever someone does this and I’m getting off the next exit legally, I match their speed so they have to stay on the shoulder as long as possible. I figure since they wanted to ride on the shoulder and kick up rocks for people behind them they can do it until they are forced to squeeze back in. If they are turning left off the exit then they can make a U turn after they make a right from the shoulder.