The irritants guide to July 4th

  • Remind people that the the birth of America is really July 2nd.
  • Buy fireworks 5 days in advance and buy enough to last until July 9th.
  • Begin your explosives demonstration on June 30th.
  • Drink lots of beer
  • Eat many forms of meat
  • Lose an appendage because you are too filled with meat to move away from the lit fireworks and too drunk to know that you are bleeding.
  • Put up a PTSD sign in your yard so that you can ruin the fun for your neighbors who bought a week supply of fireworks.
  • Also remind people that it wasn’t legit until Aug 2nd, thus extending your firework shooting period.

But seriously, if you have a problem with July 4th, just hole up in your house shut all the curtains and sit in a dark room watching movies with noise canceling headphones like I do. Happy Holidays!

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